1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:01,502 . 2 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:02,436 [school bell rings] - All right, everybody, 3 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,239 start to shut up. Let's go ahead 4 00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:06,440 and wrap up your current sentences 5 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:07,808 and get yourselves to a quiet place. 6 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,243 - Mr. Griffin, Dan is in my seat. 7 00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:10,611 - Okay, I didn't even know it was his. 8 00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,113 You added me to this weird class, 9 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,547 and now I don't know what's going on. 10 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,782 - Calm down, calm down. 11 00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,117 Let's don't be so rule-minded. 12 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:17,451 No point in your adult lives 13 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:18,819 will you ever have assigned seats. 14 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,189 Besides airplanes. - And jury duty. 15 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,391 - If I've already undercut myself, don't add to it. 16 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,793 'Kay? As you all know, this week we are 17 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:29,597 devoting our attention to the psychological dismantling 18 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:32,733 of my academic rival, Miles Leonard. 19 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:34,435 Miles happens to be British. 20 00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:37,071 He also happens to be... adopted. 21 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:40,774 So this week we will practice and perfect 22 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:43,611 British accents. And whosever is best 23 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:47,148 will call him, posing as his biological birth mother 24 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,683 who he's never met, and tell him some sort of 25 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,519 devastating secret. 26 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,288 [percussive music] 27 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:56,424 Any questions? - Mr. Griffin, 28 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,826 are you seriously never gonna teach us biology at all? 29 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,262 - Sure, Sarika. Maybe, uh, 30 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,231 Pablo Picasso can come in and teach driver's ed. 31 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:06,300 Guys, I am a published Harvard philosophy professor. 32 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,635 I've no interest whatsoever 33 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,537 in teaching biology to you people, okay? 34 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,240 So drop it. It's a pretty sweet deal on the table-- 35 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,741 play ball, get an A. Come on, let's make this easy. 36 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,177 I'm just trying to cope through a year in Toledo 37 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,579 with its miserable excuse for espresso. 38 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:19,747 [mug pieces clattering] 39 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,515 Put your hand down. 40 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:24,718 Next words I hear outta you better be in a British accent. 41 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,787 - [British accent] The bookstore at the mall 42 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:30,258 has good espresso... m'lord. 43 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:33,161 - Hey, not bad! Looks like Anthony's out 44 00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,196 to an early lead. Nice. 45 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:38,166 Let's open it up. And remember...British. 46 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,134 Female. 47 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,170 Hurtful. Go. 48 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,505 [overlapping chatter with accents] 49 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,607 - The mocha latte... 50 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,510 - I abandoned you in the loo. - Okay, what is this class? 51 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:52,346 - * Next time I'll listen to my heart * 52 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:55,483 * Next time well I'll be smart * 53 00:01:55,516 --> 00:02:02,323 * 54 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:05,226 [dramatic classical music playing] 55 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:11,732 * 56 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,767 [leather squeaking] 57 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,736 - [sighs] Ahh... 58 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,640 This is my sanctuary. 59 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,910 * 60 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:25,813 [soft dramatic sting] 61 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:26,914 - Wha-- 62 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,249 [dramatic sting] 63 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:29,683 [double sting] 64 00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:33,254 [upbeat edgy music] 65 00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:34,722 It's fine. 66 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:36,324 Ah, it's fine. 67 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:39,727 [dramatic music] 68 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:40,894 Nope. 69 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:43,564 * 70 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,633 I was kicked outta the bookstore. 71 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,336 Tried to explain to the manager that their staff "pick" 72 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,671 was feel-good soft-core nonsense. 73 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,906 Yeah, I happened to gesture with my coffee hand, 74 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,409 you know, splashed a couple measly drops on the guy. 75 00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,478 He starts throwing the word scalded around-- 76 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,979 "You've scalded me!" Next thing I know, 77 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,615 this large-calfed tyrant has his troop of baboons 78 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,217 forcibly eject me. 79 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,685 So...new plan. 80 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,687 British accents weren't exactly taking off anyway. 81 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,823 We will now focus on taking down the Miles display. 82 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:12,560 You will infiltrate the store by getting jobs there 83 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,962 and changing the staff pick, thereby giving me 84 00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,564 some semblance of sanctuary 85 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,899 in this chili dump of a town. 86 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,468 - Did Miles do something to you? 87 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,702 Did he get you fired from Harvard? 88 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,838 - No, Miles just has this, um... 89 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,408 You know, he--he's like-- You know those people that-- 90 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,610 He wears scarves. Indoors, you know what I mean? 91 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,413 When he smiles it's like, "Ehh..." You know? 92 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:33,847 You just wanna-- It's just ehh-- 93 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,683 You know, he's like one of those people. 94 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,385 Look, do I need to go on, or are you guys getting this? 95 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,619 - Couldn't you just find a sanctuary 96 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,321 in a different part of the store? 97 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,589 That seems easier than lashing out. 98 00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,324 - Does everyone hear him the way I do? 99 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,393 The grating tone? That's gonna be fatal 100 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,594 in a job interview, bud. 101 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:49,263 - Mr. Griffin, we can't get jobs. 102 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,532 - Yes, you can! Look, it's easy. 103 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,534 Couple of you get in, you flip the pic, 104 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,403 and then quit, for all I care. 105 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:56,904 I mean, look, it's a minimum wage job. 106 00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,340 These things are designed to be revolving door. 107 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:03,311 So...who here has ever been on a job interview? 108 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,613 - Once my grandma asked me 109 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:08,349 to help her dig onions in the yard. 110 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,018 - Okay. We're gonna need some practice. 111 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,287 [phone rings] 112 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:14,755 [ringing] 113 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,757 [ringing] 114 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:18,559 [ri--] 115 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,762 Hello? - Hey, sorry to interrupt you. 116 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:25,766 It's, uh, Principal Durbin from work. 117 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,635 I was hoping to see you 118 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,403 in my office when you have a moment? 119 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:31,605 - How's now? - How's--[laughs] 120 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,374 Well, you're teaching a class. 121 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:34,408 You can't literally mean now. 122 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,644 - I'm on my way. 123 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,379 - Well, you-- 124 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:41,315 - Heather, I want you to take over for me, okay? 125 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:42,750 I want you to mock interview all these people. 126 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,653 You guys are gonna do great. Just need a little work. 127 00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,721 It's gonna work. 128 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:50,524 - That's your signature scent. She can't-- 129 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,393 Ah--pffft! She can't take that away from you. 130 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:53,394 Now, scoot. 131 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:55,529 Sorry, the kids come first. 132 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,498 You're Jack, right? - Yes. 133 00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,033 - H.H. DeMarcus. I go by Helen. 134 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,935 How was Harvard? 135 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,737 - How was all of Harvard? 136 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:04,972 Uh... 137 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,774 let's go with good. 138 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,576 If Durbin's available now, I'd love to just-- 139 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,778 - The annual bake sale is coming up, 140 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,880 and all teachers have to bring a baked good. 141 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:16,083 I do cream puffs, and people love 'em a lot. 142 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,618 But the most important part 143 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,720 is that we're raisin' money for the school. 144 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:22,089 And I'm gonna write down "Raisin' Money" 145 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,691 as a good cookie name. 146 00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,693 I write them down when they come to me. 147 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,628 Now, you're getting off easy because you're new, 148 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,597 so I'm just gonna give you chocolate chip. 149 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,131 - I should have stopped you so much earlier. 150 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,766 Why would I ever do that? 151 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,435 - To show us how much Ram pride ya got! 152 00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:35,603 - Oh, I see. No, we're on the same page. 153 00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,438 Put me down as a definite no. 154 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,707 - You haven't gotten bitten by the Ram yet. 155 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,709 - Guess not. - Pam the Ram's comin' at ya. 156 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,011 Get ready! - Oh, the ram's name is Pam? 157 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,113 All rams are male. 158 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,781 - Pam's a trans ram. 159 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,383 [light music] 160 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,984 - [whispers] Yeah. 161 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,886 Okay. 162 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,456 - Jack comin' in! 163 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,491 [bluesy music] 164 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,527 - [sighs] Time to pay the piper, Jack. 165 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,496 - Wha--I love whatever this is. 166 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,097 Is it something from a movie? 167 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,467 - It's a Mercedes ad. Print. 168 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,602 [engine revs] "Never compromise." 169 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,738 - Ah! Well, you are nailin' it. 170 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:11,972 So I'm all ears. 171 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,642 - You gotta replace the school sign that you wrecked, homeboy. 172 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:17,044 Right? It was granite, very intricate, 173 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,012 very expensive work on the ram. 174 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:23,851 Jack, this is on you, and I never... 175 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,886 [click] compromise. 176 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,888 - It's funny--I've been meaning to bring this up myself. 177 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:31,158 See, my lawyers were asking if the sign was far enough back 178 00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:33,494 from the road, legally speaking. 179 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:37,064 And my neck has--[laughs] really been hurting. 180 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,032 You see, the thing is... 181 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,134 I also never compromise. 182 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,905 - And as...a man who does not compromise, 183 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,039 I have to respect that. 184 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,075 And, um, I'm sure I can 185 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,177 trim some fat from the budget 186 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,813 and maybe find some folks who, unlike us, 187 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:56,049 are willing to compromise. - Ah. 188 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,185 Ahh! Look alive, Whitlock! 189 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,987 Durbin's on the warpath! 190 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,155 [door opens] All right, class, 191 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,957 I'm back, so start to shut... 192 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,494 up. 193 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:09,663 Hmm. 194 00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,966 Heather, you, uh, finish those job interviews? 195 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,036 Yeah? Who'd ya hire? 196 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:19,206 Somebody had a lotta great references maybe, huh? 197 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,542 Maybe the boss' nephew. 198 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,014 Yeah. 199 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,682 That's what I thought. 200 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,984 [laughing] These damn textbooks! 201 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:33,687 You should all take a page from how cool Dan Decker is. 202 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:34,888 You're not gonna see him 203 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:36,056 thumbing through a biology textbook. 204 00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,791 - Nobody gave me one yet. 205 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:40,594 - Nobody even gave him one. How cool is that? 206 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,029 You know what? 207 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,831 Line up with your books over here. Come on. 208 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,265 Line up with your books, let's go. 209 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,034 Now, you see all these open windows? 210 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,703 Aaaaanybody wanna guess what happens next? 211 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,639 - Mr. Griffin, we can't throw out our books. 212 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,906 What about the AP test? 213 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,708 - Oh, can we not throw out the books? 214 00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,176 [book thuds] Let's go. 215 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,245 Toss 'em, guys, toss 'em. 216 00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:01,481 [thudding, bushes rustling] 217 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,718 Sarika Sarkar, you gonna be okay? 218 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,987 - Not without my book, no. 219 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,591 - Whaaaaah! [thud] 220 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,892 - How'd you know? - I didn't. 221 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,027 I didn't--Hand to God, I did not know. 222 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,963 Oh, man, I coulda really... [laughing] 223 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,064 I coulda really hurt you. 224 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,132 Whoo! Oh, man. 225 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,934 All right, I was gonna start in on the interview prep, 226 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,703 but I don't think I can do it, man. 227 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,905 But I could get arrested for something like that, dude. 228 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,807 [laughing] 229 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,677 - Coach. Coach Novak, I need to, uh, 230 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:32,546 talk to you about the budget. 231 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,648 I need to you, uh... 232 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:37,685 I need you to cut down on field chalk. 233 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,987 Can't be, you know, touching that up every day. 234 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,289 [ahem] I'm not gonna compromise. 235 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,291 - I get it. We're on the same team. 236 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,693 - Bu--R-really?! 237 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,160 - But while we're talkin' budget, 238 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,896 I need a new P.E. parachute. 239 00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,898 The old one got snagged on a kid's belt buckle. 240 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,666 He got whipped across the room, 241 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,903 and his buckle gutted that chute like a trout. 242 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:58,071 [engine revs] - "Never compromise." 243 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,041 First off, I need to know 244 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,876 when students get whipped across the gym. 245 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:06,079 And secondly, I'm in cutting mode, so-- 246 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:08,215 - Oh, I see. You headed straight to P.E., huh? 247 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,717 Bottom of the totem pole. 248 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:12,152 - Dick, I understand how crucial P.E. is. 249 00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,888 - You know what I do here? I tire out the boys! 250 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,024 You realize what a bunch of hopped-up boys 251 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,960 who had full energy would do to this school? 252 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,195 - I'll get you the parachute. 253 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,698 Find a way to fix it. 254 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,266 [light music] 255 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,935 - If I didn't tire out the boys, 256 00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,337 this school would be rubble by lunch! 257 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,273 - Remember, people, this is for the bookstore interview. 258 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,175 Posture. Eye contact. 259 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,210 And if I get the sense you're not really trying, 260 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,746 you get an F. 261 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:42,850 - I like big books, and I cannot lie. 262 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,886 - I have a 4.125 GPA. 263 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,721 - Never talk about grades. No one cares. 264 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,823 They have no impact on life. 265 00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:50,691 Next! 266 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,259 And greatest weakness? 267 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,061 - My neck. - Very literal. 268 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,931 - I couldn't even hold my head up until I was five years old. 269 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,332 - The only job I've ever had 270 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,234 was babysitting my little brother. 271 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,970 - Look, you guys are trying to make a good impression here, 272 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,738 so you're gonna have to straight-up lie. 273 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,907 If you don't, someone else will, so it's fine. 274 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,809 It's called holistic consequentialism: 275 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,244 the consequences are the same either way, so... 276 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,046 lying. Go! 277 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,848 - My dad is author Stephen King. 278 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,850 - I have a normal-strength neck. 279 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,719 If I hear something behind me, 280 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,754 I turn and look without effort. 281 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,723 - Well, I hope you're all inheriting money, 282 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,191 because you're completely unhirable. 283 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,059 I have no choice but to take a run at this myself, 284 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:30,030 . 285 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:30,597 - Now we don't have books? 286 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,701 We might lose a whole academic year. 287 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,803 - We have to do something. - But what? 288 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,204 He has all the power. 289 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,039 - We should all show up at his house, 290 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,407 ambush him, and refuse to leave 291 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,242 until he gives us our books back. 292 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,410 Who's in? - I'm in. 293 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,245 I wanna see a professor's house. 294 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:48,281 I bet it's like the library from "Beauty and the Beast." 295 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,183 - We should ask Dan Decker. 296 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,153 He's scary, but Mr. Griffin likes him. 297 00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,729 [light music] 298 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,864 * 299 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,966 - Where is that son of a... 300 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,401 [dishes clattering] 301 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,972 - Jack, you are squeezing that pen so hard. 302 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,073 What are you working on? 303 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,208 - Revenge. - Oh ho ho ho. 304 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,744 - [gruffly] "Revenge"! - Somebody call Shonda! 305 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,746 [hoarsely] Revenge! - Little too dramatic. 306 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:19,913 - "Shonda"... 307 00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,281 - There he is! 308 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,250 - Oh, God, not now, Helen, please. 309 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,719 I-I'm working on a writing project of great importance. 310 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,021 - Exactly. You're a big brainiac with these 311 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,824 big thoughts, and there's no room in your head for cookies. 312 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:32,960 That's why I made it even easier for ya. 313 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,194 - You know, 314 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,496 I'm not some absentminded nutty professor 315 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,032 who's baffled by baking. I simply don't wanna do it. 316 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,502 - "Nutty Professor" is the perfect name for your cookies! 317 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,371 [cackles] - That maniac doesn't care 318 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,039 about first impressions at all. 319 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,942 - Okay. What? Iron out your panties, Jack. 320 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,811 - Listen... - Yes, Batman? 321 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,013 - I do not bake cookies... 322 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,414 and I will never waver on that. 323 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,250 - Look at his nostrils. - Girl, they are flaring. 324 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:58,318 - Has anyone seen my mug? - Which one. 325 00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,753 - My Michelle mug. 326 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,521 It's got my name on it, Michelle? 327 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,456 [rapid piano notes over phone] 328 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,126 - Thank you for calling Bartholemew's Bookstore. 329 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,328 We appreciate your call. 330 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:11,498 [classical piano melody continues] 331 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,901 * 332 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,536 Miles: What is time? Why are we here? 333 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,138 I'm Miles Leonard... - No. 334 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,472 Representative! - Philosopher 335 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,108 and MacArthur Genius. - Representative! 336 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,375 - "The Question IS the Answer." 337 00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,544 - [groaning] - What is time? 338 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,914 Why are we here? - [laughing] 339 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,816 - I'm Miles Leonard, philosopher 340 00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,818 and MacArthur Genius. - [screaming] Representative! 341 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:32,452 - "The Question IS the Answer." 342 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:35,856 What is time? Why are we here? 343 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,557 I'm Miles Leonard, Philosopher-- 344 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,327 - Oh, shut up! - My book, "The Question 345 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,929 IS the answer." 346 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:45,866 [lightly edgy music] 347 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,101 - [screaming] Representative! 348 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:51,238 - Let's go around back. 349 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,973 - Hello? Bartholemew's. Kyle speaking. 350 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,908 - Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming! 351 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,009 - Hello? 352 00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,245 - What do you mean, you don't get involved 353 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,047 in regional staff pics? What if Cliff 354 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,581 and his underlings picked "Mein Kampf"? 355 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,317 You've never heard--Well, it's Adolf Hitler's manifesto. 356 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,219 You might wanna look it up. 357 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,521 "Mein" is spelled like chow mein, 358 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,423 "Kampf" is spelled like camp. but with a K, 359 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,859 and stick an F at the end. 360 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,861 No, no, no, no, no, do-do-don't-- 361 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,829 - What is time? Why are we here? 362 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,397 I'm Miles Leonard. - [grunts] 363 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:20,367 - We should leave. This feels like an intrusion. 364 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,569 - Are you kidding? We can use this. 365 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,172 - Ah! - New plan. If this guy's 366 00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:27,307 gonna teach us, we need to help him. 367 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,877 - We can't take advantage of whatever... 368 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,144 this is. 369 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:34,014 [lightly edgy music] 370 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,282 - Where are you going? 371 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,884 Stick with the plan. He's vulnerable! 372 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:40,620 You guys are wimps! I should have brought girls. 373 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:44,992 . 374 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:45,458 [school bell rings] 375 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,594 - Okay, here he comes. 376 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:48,996 Everybody remember, be gentle. 377 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:50,230 This is a man on the edge. 378 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,399 - All right, everybody, pipe down. 379 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,868 This plan's on life-support. 380 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,406 Is this a Mormon school? 381 00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,308 - No, silly! 382 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,011 We're doing more interview prep today, right, Sarika? 383 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,079 - Yeah. I'm psyched about it. 384 00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:09,249 - [laughs] - We made official resumes. 385 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,885 - I watched "Working Girl" last night. 386 00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:15,022 - Guys, this is a massive improvement in attitude. 387 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,890 Ha. - This is much more interesting 388 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,091 than biology. 389 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,293 Thank you. I-I hate knowledge. 390 00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:22,195 - Don't imply that I hate knowledge, 391 00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:25,132 but, uh, yeah, why don't we jump into some interview prep? 392 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:28,601 Right off the bat, I am seeing way too many bolo ties. 393 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,338 [school bell rings] [overlapping chatter] 394 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,906 - Durbin Outfitters! 395 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,075 - Durbin Outfitters! - Hel-lo! 396 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:37,177 - We heard you're giving out money... 397 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,079 - No! Who told you that? Is that what people are saying? 398 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,414 - My kids need a monitor for presentations. 399 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:44,351 - Mine need a microphone also for presentations. 400 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,319 - And my kids need this technology 401 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,455 where song lyrics pop up at the bottom of the screen 402 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,590 and there's like a waterfall and a woman riding a horse. 403 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,059 - A-a karaoke machine? 404 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,493 I can't buy you a karaoke machine! 405 00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,095 I'm looking for cuts! 406 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,065 - Come on, Durbs. The staff karaoke machine 407 00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,968 has been broken for the last three semesters. 408 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,702 I know there's a song in you. 409 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,172 - I do a pretty good... 410 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,007 "Thriller," along with the Vincent Price part. 411 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,141 [overlapping reactions] - Yes! 412 00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:11,211 - I knew it! [all oohing] 413 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,980 [overlapping chatter] - Gotta do it--I love it! 414 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,214 - All right. 415 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,417 [chatter fading] 416 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,219 [clears throat] 417 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:23,356 Oh, crud, I just bought a karaoke machine. 418 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,259 [engine revs] 419 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,428 [school bell rings] 420 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:32,499 - Oh, geez. There's my sad little guy! 421 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:33,733 Oh... 422 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,169 Whooooh! - Oh, my God, what is this? 423 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,138 What are you doing? - Oh, I'm tapped into 424 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,507 your kids, Jack. They told me what happened-- 425 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:44,011 how you microwaved that fast food taco with lettuce. 426 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,245 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 427 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,180 The kids were at my house? - Yeah. 428 00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:49,716 They saw you drinking and practicing punching, 429 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,185 and they were worried you were having 430 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,321 some kinda breakdown, so they wanted to do something for you. 431 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,089 - That's the reason they went along 432 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,524 with everything I said today--out of pity? 433 00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:59,126 - No. Ram pride! 434 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,228 When one of our own has their horns 435 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,663 stuck in that fence, we're there 436 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,598 to pull 'em by the caboose, and that is why 437 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,367 you are off cookie duty. 438 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,336 Because you're just under too much strain. 439 00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:12,005 - I'm under no strain at all--my life is great, okay? 440 00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:14,007 And there is absolutely nothing difficult 441 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,275 about baking cookies. 442 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,577 - Sorry, pal, because it's a no. 443 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,446 They would be blood cookies, 444 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,248 paid for with your sanity. 445 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,716 - You're a ridiculous person. I'm gonna go. 446 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,752 - [softly] Okay. 447 00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:28,421 I was pitied by a pack of dweebs? 448 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,458 [lightly edgy music] 449 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,792 * 450 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:36,029 Dan Decker. Are you part of that dork recon team 451 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,298 that's peeping in my windows? 452 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,432 - No. 453 00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:42,469 No one really loops me in on anything. 454 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,442 - You, uh... [clears throat] 455 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,811 always come out here and eat lunch by yourself? 456 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,680 Thought you'd be like on a team 457 00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:56,015 or part of a bully crew or something. 458 00:16:57,117 --> 00:17:00,453 Come on, man. What's the deal? 459 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,389 - I moved here from Florida like a year ago, 460 00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:06,059 and I'm kinda not that great at making friends. 461 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,395 Can't even talk to the A.P. Bio kids. 462 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,698 - Is that Heather from class and the body of Wonder Woman? 463 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:12,765 - No, no. 464 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,334 It-- 465 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,069 - You just gotta give them something they want. 466 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:18,338 You probably just have to say the word "Dumbledore," 467 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,340 and they'd all high-five each other and go nuts. 468 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,410 But that's not really the path I like for you anyway, man. 469 00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:25,712 I see you more as like a lone wolf. 470 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:28,848 I mean, sure, people try to rope you into their bake sales, 471 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,184 but...take it from this guy. 472 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,286 The life of a lone wolf can be pretty sweet. 473 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,488 - Dude, I don't wanna be like you. 474 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,124 Your life's a mess. 475 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,427 - My life's a mess? 476 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:50,703 . 477 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,304 [contemplative notes] 478 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:56,476 * 479 00:17:57,177 --> 00:18:00,213 [upbeat percussive music] 480 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:07,454 * 481 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:12,759 - Hey, where do you think you're going with that? 482 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,794 Hey--hey! 483 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,330 - * No good, do no good * 484 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,132 * And, well, it's true 485 00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:21,734 * 'Cause they never do what you want 'em to * 486 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,872 * 'Cause people, they're no good * 487 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:30,443 * Oh, no, they're no good at meetings * 488 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,812 * When they come out to play 489 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:36,249 * And they're no good for bookings * 490 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:39,452 * 'Cause we can't make 'em stay, hey * 491 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,422 [vociferating] 492 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,527 * 493 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,196 - This is a croquembouche. 494 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:52,232 much like your cream puffs, but more impressive. 495 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:55,935 It is you who will have the mental breakdown, Helen. 496 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,239 This is a one-time exception. Write down everything I say 497 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:02,242 right now. First, never dress like this again. 498 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,811 Second, I took down the Miles cutout myself. 499 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,247 I've been banned from the bookstore for life, 500 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,815 but...that's okay. 501 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,583 The only true sanctuary I'll have in this town 502 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:12,752 is between these two ears right here. 503 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:16,223 Third, and finally, never pity me. 504 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:17,757 Did any of you go to Harvard? 505 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:20,527 Have any of you slept with 24 women? 506 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,430 What you saw when you trespassed on my property 507 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:24,531 was a man who eats what he wants, 508 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:25,665 drinks what he wants, 509 00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,801 wears...what he wants. 510 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,638 It is a lifestyle most high school kids would kill for. 511 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,741 It's sad to me that you can't see that. 512 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,776 The only embarrassing part of my day 513 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:40,413 is the 55 minutes I have to spend here. 514 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:43,550 [light quirky music] 515 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,452 * 516 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,687 One more thing, though. 517 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,790 Does anyone have anything to say about 518 00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:51,858 Dumbledore? 519 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:55,395 - Well, actually... - Dumbledore was clearly... 520 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,564 [overlapping comments] 521 00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,299 - Pipe down! Stop! 522 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:00,967 Stop. Pipe down, pipe down. 523 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,703 One at a time. Let's start with...Dan. 524 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,705 You have the floor. 525 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,314 [click] 526 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,715 [lightly edgy music] 527 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,850 - If you're so embarrassed to teach this class, 528 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,519 Miles is probably the last person 529 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:20,987 you want getting that picture. 530 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:24,691 He won't, if you give the bio textbooks back. 531 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,928 Like you said: Give them what they want. 532 00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:32,465 * 533 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,767 - Ha. 534 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:38,571 One chapter. Of my choosing. 535 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:40,573 From the middle of the book. 536 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,708 - All right, Dan! - Way to go, Dan! 537 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:45,678 - Yeah, Dan! - All right, Dan. 538 00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:47,847 - [crunch] 539 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,483 - You're rooted. You're rooted, okay? 540 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:53,353 No compromise. [clears throat] 541 00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:56,289 Hey, Jack, I am done compromising. 542 00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,758 Now, we have blown way past the sign on this one. 543 00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,893 Your class's lab equipment is due to be upgraded, 544 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,862 but you're just gonna have to do without. 545 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,031 - Sounds good. - Sounds g--Really? 546 00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,567 You can do that, and you're not gonna shortchange the students? 547 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,702 - Won't affect the lesson plan at all. 548 00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:13,906 * 549 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,408 - [laughs] 550 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,344 [muttering] 551 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,746 [ahem] Never compromise.